I Guess You Had To Be There

People who know me know that I’m prone to fits of philosophical angst, most of which they write off to “looks as if the poor boy’s got a case of the ‘Mondays.’” Argh! I’m thinking back to some of my conversations with a young (at the time) female friend. A number of those talks involved me pontificating about motherhood, parenthood and parenting in general. She couldn’t have disagreed more. To her, my thinking was dinosaur-ish; the sooner extinct, the better.

It was many years later, after she married and had her first child, that she said to me, “Now I understand what you were talking about. I just never imagined I could feel this way.” I thought it remarkable that someone actually learned from experience.

When I told this story to another friend, he wasn’t nearly as impressed as I was about this woman’s newfound awareness. “What kind of world do we live in when people can’t make observations and learn from the world around them? If everyone has to actually have an experience before they learn, we’re all in trouble.” (We are all in trouble.)

Of course, when we’re very young, direct experience is a great teacher. It’s the old, “you only need to burn your hand on the stove once” thing. (For me, it might have been twice, but I’ve been known to test reality.) But my friend’s comment made an impression. I agreed with him. After all, I was a single man with no children and was able to perceive something that my female friend couldn’t – until she actually experienced it.

Perhaps this is why “history repeats itself.” (Hell, reruns of “Mr. Ed” would be far more entertaining.) Perhaps the experiences of generations of people who preceded us simply aren’t enough.

One woman I knew who hailed from Moscow told me a story about how her father followed Stalin’s coffin along “Main Street,” amazed and in awe that a man who was a “god” had passed away. I was stunned. “Stalin was a bad guy.” In response, I got the expected, “but the people only knew what they were told,” etc. I couldn’t accept that answer. Personally, I don’t know too many politicians (world leaders included) that I would turn my back on. (I wear my wallet in my back pocket.)

I have the same reaction to people who explain their xenophobia using the same reasoning. “You have to understand that we grew up in an environment where we were told…..” Really? You observe another human being, one who has ears, eyes, a nose, mouth, organs in basically the same places yet you accept the “teaching” that, because in some way they’re different, “they suck?” Really? Observation tells us nothing? Our own eyes and ears don’t suggest the possibility that what we’re being told (taught) might be fallacious?

In “Dances With Wolves” Costner had to hold a dying Indian in his arms to finally realize that the fallen man, too, was a human being. Sorry, folks, I don’t buy it. Oh, I accept that most of us simply absorb what’s around us, put on blinders and form few conclusions from observation. Looking at the history of the species, we’ve paid a price for that.

As we grow up, we’re continually being fed heaping spoonfuls of BS. I contend that it’s our choice (or intellectual limitation) as to whether or not we swallow it. Why on earth should anyone have to “be there” to perceive fundamental, obvious, reality?!!!

In the “Nowhere Man” pilot, Tom confronts Dr. Bellamy, wondering, “how did you get to my wife?” Bellamy is saddened by poor Tom’s inability to “get it.” “In the end,” the Dr. tells him, “most people choose to go along.” Still fighting the obvious, Tom replies, “under a great deal of threat and pressure.” Poor, naive Tom. He expects so much from people. Bellamy simply shakes his head. “You’d be surprised.”

I’m sad to say, the daring doc had a point.